Hope you enjoy these photos of this cute family!!! If you do, please take time to "like" my facebook page, if you haven't yet! :)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Christmas+Cake Smash+Family Photos
I was beside myself when sweet Allie's mom called me about setting up a session. She wanted a winter theme/ not overtly Christmas theme so I set about designing the perfect set. I love this part of it. Oh the things I could do with an endless supply of money!! But for now, I shop at places like Goodwill, Salvation Army and of course clearance racks at every store. The idea for the purple setup started when I found the tutu on clearance at Target. That led to the hat purchase, which was actually not on sale (I rationalized that I will use it again in future sessions, my dog looks good in it, and someday I might have a little girl who can wear it, clearly a wise investment), and the purple Christmas ornaments. I don't remember the last time we actually had a tree because we travel every Christmas (or the military decides we should move over the holiday), but someday we will have a tree, and it will have purple ornaments. So there. The pink was simply paper streamers and a few decorations. My friend Hadassah made the adorable cake. I wanted to keep this set simple so that all of the focus was on Allie and her reaction to her cake. And for the outdoor session: fortunately God is an amazing decorator, and provided us with end-of-fall colors and a beautiful sunset that made the most perfect light you have ever seen. And on top of that, Allie is one adorable little tough cookie and wasn't even phased by the chill of the evening.
Hope you enjoy these photos of this cute family!!! If you do, please take time to "like" my facebook page, if you haven't yet! :)
Hope you enjoy these photos of this cute family!!! If you do, please take time to "like" my facebook page, if you haven't yet! :)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Quiet
That has been me lately. Quiet in conversation, quiet with my husband and friends, quiet online. When I was young, my mother used to say "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything." Later when I became a Christian, I read these verses, and I guess they must be in my heart, because although I can't recite them word for word, I get the gist, strive to obey, fail often.
"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." Eph. 4:29-31
In other words, don't gripe. I didn't. Not much. But I burned on the inside.
The last month has been rough for us. Mainly because of the struggles my husband has faced at his job. I'll not go into detail, but just know that military training is freaking stressful. It all started with one major upset, and we fell to our knees and prayed, and confessed. Bitterness took root in my heart though. No one enjoys fire. Each day seemed to bring more bad news. Complications, screwed up plans, loss. Bitterness grew. I resigned myself to the fact that we were in a slump, a time to just put your head down and survive one day at a time. But the bitterness kept growing. I couldn't pray, I couldn't do anything but sulk. Then a burning question: Who are you angry with? The answer to that question burned worse.
Finally, my husband forced me to talk it out with him. He knows my clam-like tendencies well by now. One thing he said stuck. I told him I couldn't pray, I couldn't read, and he told me to just ask for help, even if that was all I could say. Here he was, the one with an actual reason to be stressed, needing a wife who could support him, and he was helping me. Home, I told God of my heart of poison, and admitted my sinful attitude. Then I prayed that He would help me. That really was all I could say. I stood up a little free-er, but not free. Things continued to go wrong in ridiculous proportion, but now I laughed. I remembered that though much was tangled, much was not. How glad I was to feel a current of thankfulness course through me again. I have a husband that I didn't dare dream of, great health, plenty of wealth compared to 99% of the rest of the world, and a Savior. A sovereign God who directs my paths. "A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." Who am I to question????
Even after this dose of clarity, God gave me the privilege of speaking to a friend who really is in the fire. Her whole life is falling apart, and her future is uncertain. Well, one thing is certain: struggle. I thought to myself that she would find my struggles trivial. Because they are.
So here I am. Moving on with life, finding joy as I can. I have thought much about how my adoption blog fits with Eph. 4:29. I don't want to complain and drag other people down. But at the same time, I get so frustrated with adoption blogs (I read a ton of them, and am writing these entries with adoptive/future adoptive parents in mind) that only paint this picture: "La, la, la, we knew 100% from the day that we were born we wanted to adopt, and we made it smoothly through the process, and got our lovely perfect baby, and our lives are full and wonderful. The End." I know I'm dramatizing, but people tend to leave out the hard stuff, I'm sure with good intentions, and perhaps a twinge of fear of being judged.. I want to hear the truth. Then I am encouraged. This book is a great example of what I mean.
Trust me, I'll not shield you from the hard times in our journey. I'll be judged either way, so who cares? My aim is to glorify God through my words and I know I won't be close to perfect or even good, but at least you'll know the truth: the road is paved with challenges, just like any road walked in this life.
We didn't want this, any of this at first. We wanted having babies to be easy. Then we just wanted our own. Now we just want one them. I know it sounds like progressive settling. But it's not, you'll just have to trust me.
Oh my gosh I'm rambling. I guess the veil of quiet has lifted! Anyone who knows me know I can't be quiet too long!
To conclude, here's where we are:
After realizing that we didn't want to do in vitro, we spent months deciding and praying about whether to do embryo adoption or traditional adoption. One morning (in October of this year), Matt and I had a chance to pray together. After the prayer, I asked him if he had a gut feeling about either option. He smiled and said that he knew my gut feeling, and he felt the same way. That crazy man! He did! A lot more went on before that decision was made, but it really boils down to that we just knew somehow. I think I know how. So that is the day we decided to go for traditional adoption.
I know there is a pretty big break in my "adoption timeline". The time between our decision not to pursue in vitro and the present has been spent waiting and praying. Waiting to see if the military would change our orders to Japan because of my medical condition. Adopting while in Japan looks very different than adopting while in the States. They finally denied Japan, and we were given orders to Beaufort, SC. I was able to rest in patience because I knew that when we got to SC, we could begin the process. We were supposed to have moved last week. Because of the issues with Matt's job, we will be lucky to be out of here by March. And like everything else, that is uncertain. We have no idea what the future holds for us. Therefore, it is impossible for us to move forward with the process right now. You can't really have a homestudy unless you're in the home you'll be adopting in. We are just trying to see this as an opportunity to save more money, better research agencies, and for more time to make our decision between international or domestic adoption.
I am sick of waiting. I guess that's the heart of why I have been so upset. I just want to start. Though I trust and want nothing more than God's perfect will, the ache in my heart is present, and I long for it to be satisfied. I know nothing other than God can truly satisfy, but He wouldn't have made me want this so much for no reason.
So for now, I wait! And I smile and I thank God! :)
"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." Eph. 4:29-31
In other words, don't gripe. I didn't. Not much. But I burned on the inside.
The last month has been rough for us. Mainly because of the struggles my husband has faced at his job. I'll not go into detail, but just know that military training is freaking stressful. It all started with one major upset, and we fell to our knees and prayed, and confessed. Bitterness took root in my heart though. No one enjoys fire. Each day seemed to bring more bad news. Complications, screwed up plans, loss. Bitterness grew. I resigned myself to the fact that we were in a slump, a time to just put your head down and survive one day at a time. But the bitterness kept growing. I couldn't pray, I couldn't do anything but sulk. Then a burning question: Who are you angry with? The answer to that question burned worse.
Finally, my husband forced me to talk it out with him. He knows my clam-like tendencies well by now. One thing he said stuck. I told him I couldn't pray, I couldn't read, and he told me to just ask for help, even if that was all I could say. Here he was, the one with an actual reason to be stressed, needing a wife who could support him, and he was helping me. Home, I told God of my heart of poison, and admitted my sinful attitude. Then I prayed that He would help me. That really was all I could say. I stood up a little free-er, but not free. Things continued to go wrong in ridiculous proportion, but now I laughed. I remembered that though much was tangled, much was not. How glad I was to feel a current of thankfulness course through me again. I have a husband that I didn't dare dream of, great health, plenty of wealth compared to 99% of the rest of the world, and a Savior. A sovereign God who directs my paths. "A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps." Who am I to question????
Even after this dose of clarity, God gave me the privilege of speaking to a friend who really is in the fire. Her whole life is falling apart, and her future is uncertain. Well, one thing is certain: struggle. I thought to myself that she would find my struggles trivial. Because they are.
So here I am. Moving on with life, finding joy as I can. I have thought much about how my adoption blog fits with Eph. 4:29. I don't want to complain and drag other people down. But at the same time, I get so frustrated with adoption blogs (I read a ton of them, and am writing these entries with adoptive/future adoptive parents in mind) that only paint this picture: "La, la, la, we knew 100% from the day that we were born we wanted to adopt, and we made it smoothly through the process, and got our lovely perfect baby, and our lives are full and wonderful. The End." I know I'm dramatizing, but people tend to leave out the hard stuff, I'm sure with good intentions, and perhaps a twinge of fear of being judged.. I want to hear the truth. Then I am encouraged. This book is a great example of what I mean.
Trust me, I'll not shield you from the hard times in our journey. I'll be judged either way, so who cares? My aim is to glorify God through my words and I know I won't be close to perfect or even good, but at least you'll know the truth: the road is paved with challenges, just like any road walked in this life.
We didn't want this, any of this at first. We wanted having babies to be easy. Then we just wanted our own. Now we just want one them. I know it sounds like progressive settling. But it's not, you'll just have to trust me.
Oh my gosh I'm rambling. I guess the veil of quiet has lifted! Anyone who knows me know I can't be quiet too long!
To conclude, here's where we are:
After realizing that we didn't want to do in vitro, we spent months deciding and praying about whether to do embryo adoption or traditional adoption. One morning (in October of this year), Matt and I had a chance to pray together. After the prayer, I asked him if he had a gut feeling about either option. He smiled and said that he knew my gut feeling, and he felt the same way. That crazy man! He did! A lot more went on before that decision was made, but it really boils down to that we just knew somehow. I think I know how. So that is the day we decided to go for traditional adoption.
I know there is a pretty big break in my "adoption timeline". The time between our decision not to pursue in vitro and the present has been spent waiting and praying. Waiting to see if the military would change our orders to Japan because of my medical condition. Adopting while in Japan looks very different than adopting while in the States. They finally denied Japan, and we were given orders to Beaufort, SC. I was able to rest in patience because I knew that when we got to SC, we could begin the process. We were supposed to have moved last week. Because of the issues with Matt's job, we will be lucky to be out of here by March. And like everything else, that is uncertain. We have no idea what the future holds for us. Therefore, it is impossible for us to move forward with the process right now. You can't really have a homestudy unless you're in the home you'll be adopting in. We are just trying to see this as an opportunity to save more money, better research agencies, and for more time to make our decision between international or domestic adoption.
I am sick of waiting. I guess that's the heart of why I have been so upset. I just want to start. Though I trust and want nothing more than God's perfect will, the ache in my heart is present, and I long for it to be satisfied. I know nothing other than God can truly satisfy, but He wouldn't have made me want this so much for no reason.
So for now, I wait! And I smile and I thank God! :)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
We are going to adopt: Part 3
You may be wondering why I am posting my personal, adoption entries on my photography blog. I am currently formulating a plan to merge my photography business with our adoption. Before too long, all of my earnings for photography will be going strictly toward our adoption. We aren't sure how we feel about fundraising and all of that yet, but I feel great about being able to provide a service to help us attain this dream. Look for changes soon!
So like I said, things got really crazy when I got sick. After my second surgery, the doctors had determined by biopsy that I did indeed have endometriosis in my chest. Endo is an incurable condition that feeds on the body's production of estrogen. Cut the estrogen = put the endo in remission = happy, healthy Ariel. After I had healed from surgery, I drove back to Houston to meet with my surgeon and an OB to come up with some sort of plan to keep my wind bags operational. The doctors gave me two options. Get pregnant (which would give me 9 mos estrogen free) or take a nice little trip down menopause lane. I'll spare you the details, but I must say it's fun to tell older ladies that I really do understand what a hot flash is. Like really.
You would think that this would have answered our "same mind" question. Not only did I want to do in vitro, now I needed to do it. For my health. I know I had come to terms with the thought of adopting, but now this. My chance to get my way. My mind raced with these thoughts as sat in front of the doctors. They gave me a referral to the best infertility specialist in Houston, and promised to talk with her to get me in as soon as possible. My heart was full, but not full of joy. I don't know what it was. It wasn't good though. Kind of like a mixture of dread and sadness and about to be sickness. I am not an extremely emotional person, but it took all I had to keep composure on the way out of the hospital. Finally in my car, I focused hard on getting out of Houston without killing myself or anyone else. Out of the city, onto the highway where my thoughts could leave the act of driving and get back to where they wanted to be. Tears came, lots of them. (so much for you believing me when I say I'm not an emotional person. Hey, this is a touchy subject!) Out loud: "What the crap is your PROBLEM ARIEL???" I was really confused. Usually, if I cry, I know what I am upset about. I carried on in this fashion for a good few minutes, and then the words just rolled out of my mouth: "I think in vitro is wrong!" I sat there stunned, realizing the implication of what I had just voiced. In my heart of hearts, I had always known I felt that way. But not until I was staring it in the face, with a legitimate reason to claim "my" way, had I dared to go there, to admit it to myself. Oh, it was awful. My dream was dying right there, I was killing it. I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was going to have to trust God. His ways are higher than mine!
That 3 hour drive was rough. When I got home, Matt was visibly concerned when he saw the the hot mess I had morphed into. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell him what had happened immediately. I just said that it had been a hard day, and he gave me space. He is such a good man, and he knows just how to handle me. That night as we were laying in bed, I told him. He smiled and said that he knew what I was going to say. That darn man.
I know all of this sounds crazy. Perhaps it doesn't make any sense at all. But I don't want to forget it how adoption began for us, and how God allowed the pieces to fit together. That was the second time that I had felt Him move in a major, undeniable way. He loved me too much to allow me to deviate from His plan for my life. I'm not going to go into why I think in vitro is wrong, but I have solid reasons. If you look, you'll see them too. I know many people do it, and I believe that every human life was wrought by God and only breathes our air because He commands it. So I don't believe that the children born of in vitro aren't supposed to be here, or aren't loved and treasured by God. The last thing I want this blog to do is stir up debate. It's just a story, my story.
Things are going to look up in my next post, I promise. We're past most of the bad news, and it's just hope from here pretty much. I feel kind of guilty about talking about how hard it was. In this day in age, we all want to seem like we never hurt. Maybe sharing this pain makes it seem like adoption isn't for us, because the idea didn't bring immediate, bursting joy. But I know that's not true. God called us for this. I know it. There aren't words to tell you how much I know it. And isn't that sweeter? Because He works in our hearts, adoption will never be second best. It's what we want, in our heart of hearts! There are even moments when I realize that I would be disappointed if I got pregnant! I'm getting ahead of myself now. I better spell check this and post it before I lose my nerve.
So like I said, things got really crazy when I got sick. After my second surgery, the doctors had determined by biopsy that I did indeed have endometriosis in my chest. Endo is an incurable condition that feeds on the body's production of estrogen. Cut the estrogen = put the endo in remission = happy, healthy Ariel. After I had healed from surgery, I drove back to Houston to meet with my surgeon and an OB to come up with some sort of plan to keep my wind bags operational. The doctors gave me two options. Get pregnant (which would give me 9 mos estrogen free) or take a nice little trip down menopause lane. I'll spare you the details, but I must say it's fun to tell older ladies that I really do understand what a hot flash is. Like really.
You would think that this would have answered our "same mind" question. Not only did I want to do in vitro, now I needed to do it. For my health. I know I had come to terms with the thought of adopting, but now this. My chance to get my way. My mind raced with these thoughts as sat in front of the doctors. They gave me a referral to the best infertility specialist in Houston, and promised to talk with her to get me in as soon as possible. My heart was full, but not full of joy. I don't know what it was. It wasn't good though. Kind of like a mixture of dread and sadness and about to be sickness. I am not an extremely emotional person, but it took all I had to keep composure on the way out of the hospital. Finally in my car, I focused hard on getting out of Houston without killing myself or anyone else. Out of the city, onto the highway where my thoughts could leave the act of driving and get back to where they wanted to be. Tears came, lots of them. (so much for you believing me when I say I'm not an emotional person. Hey, this is a touchy subject!) Out loud: "What the crap is your PROBLEM ARIEL???" I was really confused. Usually, if I cry, I know what I am upset about. I carried on in this fashion for a good few minutes, and then the words just rolled out of my mouth: "I think in vitro is wrong!" I sat there stunned, realizing the implication of what I had just voiced. In my heart of hearts, I had always known I felt that way. But not until I was staring it in the face, with a legitimate reason to claim "my" way, had I dared to go there, to admit it to myself. Oh, it was awful. My dream was dying right there, I was killing it. I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was going to have to trust God. His ways are higher than mine!
That 3 hour drive was rough. When I got home, Matt was visibly concerned when he saw the the hot mess I had morphed into. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell him what had happened immediately. I just said that it had been a hard day, and he gave me space. He is such a good man, and he knows just how to handle me. That night as we were laying in bed, I told him. He smiled and said that he knew what I was going to say. That darn man.
I know all of this sounds crazy. Perhaps it doesn't make any sense at all. But I don't want to forget it how adoption began for us, and how God allowed the pieces to fit together. That was the second time that I had felt Him move in a major, undeniable way. He loved me too much to allow me to deviate from His plan for my life. I'm not going to go into why I think in vitro is wrong, but I have solid reasons. If you look, you'll see them too. I know many people do it, and I believe that every human life was wrought by God and only breathes our air because He commands it. So I don't believe that the children born of in vitro aren't supposed to be here, or aren't loved and treasured by God. The last thing I want this blog to do is stir up debate. It's just a story, my story.
Things are going to look up in my next post, I promise. We're past most of the bad news, and it's just hope from here pretty much. I feel kind of guilty about talking about how hard it was. In this day in age, we all want to seem like we never hurt. Maybe sharing this pain makes it seem like adoption isn't for us, because the idea didn't bring immediate, bursting joy. But I know that's not true. God called us for this. I know it. There aren't words to tell you how much I know it. And isn't that sweeter? Because He works in our hearts, adoption will never be second best. It's what we want, in our heart of hearts! There are even moments when I realize that I would be disappointed if I got pregnant! I'm getting ahead of myself now. I better spell check this and post it before I lose my nerve.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Fall :)
This Texas girl, from the land of two seasons, hot and hotter, gets pretty excited about actually getting to experience fall. That's why I was really excited to do this family session. First of all, they all looked adorable in their coordinating outfits. I love the fact that they weren't all the same color. You know: the matchy-matchy thing? The relationship between this brother and sister was so sweet. You could really see the genuine love that they have for one another. I really enjoyed my time with this family, and the little moments where they were just being who they are.
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