So facing the fact that we were in complete disagreement about our future was not fun. I felt so lonely, so far away from him at first. And I was angry. We didn't really work it out; we couldn't. We finally just quit talking about it and went on with life. And we both kept praying. Alone, and together, hands clasped kneeling before bed, despite the pride and selfishness that welled up inside of me. That was October 9, 2009.
The First Heart-Change
This is a journal entry I wrote on Oct. 18, 2009.
Wow. What a day. Today something important happened. I was listening to the sermon at church about Ephesians Ch. 3, and
Paul had absolute, total trust in God's purpose.
Phil:1:12 says " For I want you to know brethren, that the things which happen to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel."
That was the day that adoption became an option for me. I wasn't ready to say that I wanted to do it. Those motherly instincts were still there. The idea of not ever getting to see 2 lines, or to feel a kick, or to hear that first cry, a cry of both our voices in one, still hurt. It still does. But I knew that God would take me where I couldn't take myself in my own strength. He would give me the courage to face my fears about what people would say, whether or not I could really love the child, what if the child turned out to be crazy and hard and ruined our lives. I know that sounds extreme, but if you've stood or are standing in my shoes, you know. Even if you're to afraid to voice it. He would sustain me through the trials. After becoming a Christian, I kept hearing people talk about "surrendering" to God. I never understood what that meant. Now I do. God has denied us biological children for a reason. To give us faith. To fulfill His purposes.
I'd like to say that immediately after my revelation, we decided to adopt, and lived happily ever after. My heart was changing, but it wasn't there yet. Adoption was still second best in my heart of hearts. But at least it was an option.
Christmas came, and we got busy with life. We continued to pray. 2010 rolled in and things got a little crazy. In April, I went to the doctor for this pesky recurrent chest pain, and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks with a collapsed lung. The next month it happened again, and I had my second surgery and it was confirmed by biopsy that I have a condition called catamenial pneumothorax. Basically, I have endometriosis in my diaphragm, which put holes in the diaphragm, causing the lung to collapse. I could go into all of the details, but I prefer not to think about those couple of months. It was a really trying time. I didn't know it then, but another piece of our family future would fit together during these challenging months.
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