We are going to adopt: Part 3

You may be wondering why I am posting my personal, adoption entries on my photography blog.  I am currently formulating a plan to merge my photography business with our adoption.  Before too long, all of my earnings for photography will be going strictly toward our adoption.  We aren't sure how we feel about fundraising and all of that yet, but I feel great about being able to provide a service to help us attain this dream. Look for changes soon!

So like I said, things got really crazy when I got sick.  After my second surgery, the doctors had determined by biopsy that I did indeed have endometriosis in my chest.  Endo is an incurable condition that feeds on the body's production of estrogen. Cut the estrogen = put the endo in remission = happy, healthy Ariel.  After I had healed from surgery, I drove back to Houston to meet with my surgeon and an OB to come up with some sort of plan to keep my wind bags operational. The doctors gave me two options.  Get pregnant (which would give me 9 mos estrogen free) or take a nice little trip down menopause lane.  I'll spare you the details, but I must say it's fun to tell older ladies that I really do understand what a hot flash is.  Like really.

You would think that this would have answered our "same mind" question.  Not only did I want to do in vitro, now I needed to do it.  For my health. I know I had come to terms with the thought of adopting, but now this.  My chance to get my way.  My mind raced with these thoughts as sat in front of the doctors.  They gave me a referral to the best infertility specialist in Houston, and promised to talk with her to get me in as soon as possible. My heart was full, but not full of joy.  I don't know what it was.  It wasn't good though.  Kind of like a mixture of dread and sadness and about to be sickness.  I am not an extremely emotional person, but it took all I had to keep composure on the way out of the hospital.  Finally in my car, I focused hard on getting out of Houston without killing myself or anyone else.  Out of the city, onto the highway where my thoughts could leave the act of driving and get back to where they wanted to be.  Tears came, lots of them.  (so much for you believing me when I say I'm not an emotional person.  Hey, this is a touchy subject!) Out loud:  "What the crap is your PROBLEM ARIEL???" I was really confused. Usually, if I cry, I know what I am upset about.  I carried on in this fashion for a good few minutes, and then the words just rolled out of my mouth: "I think in vitro is wrong!" I sat there stunned, realizing the implication of what I had just voiced.  In my heart of hearts, I had always known I felt that way.  But not until I was staring it in the face, with a legitimate reason to claim "my" way, had I dared to go there, to admit it to myself. Oh, it was awful.  My dream was dying right there, I was killing it.  I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't.  I knew it was wrong, I knew I was going to have to trust God. His ways are higher than mine!
That 3 hour drive was rough.  When I got home, Matt was visibly concerned when he saw the the hot mess I had morphed into. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell him what had happened immediately.  I just said that it had been a hard day, and he gave me space.  He is such a good man, and he knows just how to handle me.  That night as we were laying in bed, I told him.  He smiled and said that he knew what I was going to say.  That darn man.

I know all of this sounds crazy.  Perhaps it doesn't make any sense at all.  But I don't want to forget it how adoption began for us, and how God allowed the pieces to fit together. That was the second time that I had felt Him move in a major, undeniable way.  He loved me too much to allow me to deviate from His plan for my life. I'm not going to go into why I think in vitro is wrong, but I have solid reasons.  If you look, you'll see them too.  I know many people do it, and I believe that every human life was wrought by God and only breathes our air because He commands it. So I don't believe that the children born of in vitro aren't supposed to be here, or aren't loved and treasured by God.  The last thing I want this blog to do is stir up debate.  It's just a story, my story.

Things are going to look up in my next post, I promise. We're past most of the bad news, and it's just hope from here pretty much.  I feel kind of guilty about talking about how hard it was.  In this day in age, we all want to seem like we never hurt.  Maybe sharing this pain makes it seem like adoption isn't for us, because the idea didn't bring immediate, bursting joy.  But I know that's not true.  God called us for this.  I know it.  There aren't words to tell you how much I know it.  And isn't that sweeter?  Because He works in our hearts, adoption will never be second best.  It's what we want, in our heart of hearts! There are even moments when I realize that I would be disappointed if I got pregnant! I'm getting ahead of myself now.  I better spell check this and post it before I lose my nerve.

Fall :)

This Texas girl, from the land of two seasons, hot and hotter, gets pretty excited about actually getting to experience fall.  That's why I was really excited to do this family session.  First of all, they all looked adorable in their coordinating outfits.  I love the fact that they weren't all the same color. You know: the matchy-matchy thing? The relationship between this brother and sister was so sweet.  You could really see the genuine love that they have for one another.  I really enjoyed my time with this family, and the little moments where they were just being who they are. 

We are going to adopt. Part 2.

Where was I?  Oh yes, different pages.  The worst possible place for a marriage to be.  We have a wonderful marriage, and we agree on pretty much everything.  We love each other, like each other, enjoy each other.  That in itself can only be attributed to God.  We were such idiots when we got married, headed straight for failure.  But He saved us. He taught us to respect and love one another.  To love Him... That's another story though...
So facing the fact that we were in complete disagreement about our future was not fun.  I felt so lonely, so far away from him at first.  And I was angry.  We didn't really work it out; we couldn't.  We finally just quit talking about it and went on with life.  And we both kept praying.  Alone, and together, hands clasped kneeling before bed, despite the pride and selfishness that welled up inside of me. That was October 9, 2009. 

The First Heart-Change

This is a journal entry I wrote on Oct. 18, 2009.

Wow.  What a day.  Today something important happened.  I was listening to the sermon at church about Ephesians Ch. 3, and it was like God was definitely speaking to me.  I saw my life unfold in front of me as if it was a carpet.  Pastor was talking about Paul, and how he called himself a prisoner of Jesus Christ.  He rejoiced in his suffering as a Roman prisoner. And he completely trusted God.  God worked good through him.  When we fully trust in God, we allow Him to work mightily.  I have long prayed that God would teach me how to trust Him.  And now I see.  For the past 4 years, I have clung to the hope of having my own children, from my womb, and the joy that would come from being pregnant.  But that all revolved around me.  Yeah, I guess I could be satisfied with adopting, as a last resort.  Hopefully.  It was all selfish!  For my fulfillment!  Today I realized that if I will trust God, and allow Him to use me, He will do great things.  Think of all of the good that can be done if I can just trust!  I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff, and I have enough faith to jump, giving up all control.  I have been told and have read that God will protect me, and if I believe it, I will jump.  The fear is strong.  There is a lot to be afraid of. But I felt my world shift today.  No longer a selfish dread about what will happen if things don't go according to "my plan".  I felt that fade, and I felt a twinge of excitement as I thought about what joy will come from serving my Lord and being confident I am doing His will.  How can I ever teach a child to trust Him if I don't trust Him myself?
Paul had absolute, total trust in God's purpose.
Phil:1:12 says " For I want  you to know brethren, that the things which happen to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel."

That was the day that adoption became an option for me.  I wasn't ready to say that I wanted to do it.  Those motherly instincts were still there.  The idea of not ever getting to see 2 lines, or to feel a kick, or to hear that first cry, a cry of both our voices in one, still hurt.  It still does.  But I knew that God would take me where I couldn't take myself in my own strength.  He would give me the courage to face my fears about what people would say, whether or not I could really love the child, what if the child turned out to be crazy and hard  and ruined our lives.  I know that sounds extreme, but if you've stood or are standing in my shoes, you know.  Even if you're to afraid to voice it.  He would sustain me through the trials.  After becoming a Christian, I kept hearing people talk about "surrendering" to God.  I never understood what that meant.  Now I do.  God has denied us biological children for a reason. To give us faith. To fulfill His purposes.

I'd like to say that immediately after my revelation, we decided to adopt, and lived happily ever after.  My heart was changing, but it wasn't there yet.  Adoption was still second best in my heart of hearts.  But at least it was an option. 
Christmas came, and we got busy with life.  We continued to pray.  2010 rolled in and things got a little crazy. In April, I went to the doctor for this pesky recurrent chest pain, and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks with a collapsed lung.  The next month it happened again, and I had my second surgery and it was confirmed by biopsy that I have a condition called catamenial pneumothorax. Basically, I have endometriosis in my diaphragm, which put holes in the diaphragm, causing the lung to collapse.  I could go into all of the details, but I prefer not to think about those couple of months.  It was a really trying time.  I didn't know it then, but another piece of our family future would fit together during these challenging months.