We are going to adopt: Part 3

You may be wondering why I am posting my personal, adoption entries on my photography blog.  I am currently formulating a plan to merge my photography business with our adoption.  Before too long, all of my earnings for photography will be going strictly toward our adoption.  We aren't sure how we feel about fundraising and all of that yet, but I feel great about being able to provide a service to help us attain this dream. Look for changes soon!

So like I said, things got really crazy when I got sick.  After my second surgery, the doctors had determined by biopsy that I did indeed have endometriosis in my chest.  Endo is an incurable condition that feeds on the body's production of estrogen. Cut the estrogen = put the endo in remission = happy, healthy Ariel.  After I had healed from surgery, I drove back to Houston to meet with my surgeon and an OB to come up with some sort of plan to keep my wind bags operational. The doctors gave me two options.  Get pregnant (which would give me 9 mos estrogen free) or take a nice little trip down menopause lane.  I'll spare you the details, but I must say it's fun to tell older ladies that I really do understand what a hot flash is.  Like really.

You would think that this would have answered our "same mind" question.  Not only did I want to do in vitro, now I needed to do it.  For my health. I know I had come to terms with the thought of adopting, but now this.  My chance to get my way.  My mind raced with these thoughts as sat in front of the doctors.  They gave me a referral to the best infertility specialist in Houston, and promised to talk with her to get me in as soon as possible. My heart was full, but not full of joy.  I don't know what it was.  It wasn't good though.  Kind of like a mixture of dread and sadness and about to be sickness.  I am not an extremely emotional person, but it took all I had to keep composure on the way out of the hospital.  Finally in my car, I focused hard on getting out of Houston without killing myself or anyone else.  Out of the city, onto the highway where my thoughts could leave the act of driving and get back to where they wanted to be.  Tears came, lots of them.  (so much for you believing me when I say I'm not an emotional person.  Hey, this is a touchy subject!) Out loud:  "What the crap is your PROBLEM ARIEL???" I was really confused. Usually, if I cry, I know what I am upset about.  I carried on in this fashion for a good few minutes, and then the words just rolled out of my mouth: "I think in vitro is wrong!" I sat there stunned, realizing the implication of what I had just voiced.  In my heart of hearts, I had always known I felt that way.  But not until I was staring it in the face, with a legitimate reason to claim "my" way, had I dared to go there, to admit it to myself. Oh, it was awful.  My dream was dying right there, I was killing it.  I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't.  I knew it was wrong, I knew I was going to have to trust God. His ways are higher than mine!
That 3 hour drive was rough.  When I got home, Matt was visibly concerned when he saw the the hot mess I had morphed into. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to tell him what had happened immediately.  I just said that it had been a hard day, and he gave me space.  He is such a good man, and he knows just how to handle me.  That night as we were laying in bed, I told him.  He smiled and said that he knew what I was going to say.  That darn man.

I know all of this sounds crazy.  Perhaps it doesn't make any sense at all.  But I don't want to forget it how adoption began for us, and how God allowed the pieces to fit together. That was the second time that I had felt Him move in a major, undeniable way.  He loved me too much to allow me to deviate from His plan for my life. I'm not going to go into why I think in vitro is wrong, but I have solid reasons.  If you look, you'll see them too.  I know many people do it, and I believe that every human life was wrought by God and only breathes our air because He commands it. So I don't believe that the children born of in vitro aren't supposed to be here, or aren't loved and treasured by God.  The last thing I want this blog to do is stir up debate.  It's just a story, my story.

Things are going to look up in my next post, I promise. We're past most of the bad news, and it's just hope from here pretty much.  I feel kind of guilty about talking about how hard it was.  In this day in age, we all want to seem like we never hurt.  Maybe sharing this pain makes it seem like adoption isn't for us, because the idea didn't bring immediate, bursting joy.  But I know that's not true.  God called us for this.  I know it.  There aren't words to tell you how much I know it.  And isn't that sweeter?  Because He works in our hearts, adoption will never be second best.  It's what we want, in our heart of hearts! There are even moments when I realize that I would be disappointed if I got pregnant! I'm getting ahead of myself now.  I better spell check this and post it before I lose my nerve.