Quiet

That has been me lately.  Quiet in conversation, quiet with my husband and friends, quiet online.  When I was young, my mother used to say "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything." Later when I became a Christian, I read these verses, and I guess they must be in my heart, because although I can't recite them word for word, I get the gist, strive to obey, fail often.
"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice." Eph. 4:29-31
In other words, don't gripe.  I didn't. Not much.  But I burned on the inside.
The last month has been rough for us.  Mainly because of the struggles my husband has faced at his job.  I'll not go into detail, but just know that military training is freaking stressful.  It all started with one major upset, and we fell to our knees and prayed, and confessed.  Bitterness took root in my heart though.  No one enjoys fire.  Each day seemed to bring more bad news.  Complications, screwed up plans, loss. Bitterness grew.  I resigned myself to the fact that we were in a slump, a time to just put your head down and survive one day at a time.  But the bitterness kept growing.  I couldn't pray, I couldn't do anything but sulk.  Then a burning question:  Who are you angry with? The answer to that question burned worse.
Finally, my husband forced me to talk it out with him.  He knows my clam-like tendencies well by now. One thing he said stuck.  I told him I couldn't pray, I couldn't read, and he told me to just ask for help, even if that was all I could say. Here he was, the one with an actual reason to be stressed, needing a wife who could support him, and he was helping me. Home, I told God of my heart of poison, and admitted my sinful attitude.  Then I prayed that He would help me.  That really was all I could say.  I stood up a little free-er, but not free.  Things continued to go wrong in ridiculous proportion, but now I laughed.  I remembered that though much was tangled, much was not.  How glad I was to feel a current of thankfulness course through me again.  I have a husband that I didn't dare dream of, great health, plenty of wealth compared to 99% of the rest of the world, and a Savior. A sovereign God who directs my paths.  "A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps."  Who am I to question????
Even after this dose of clarity, God gave me the privilege of speaking to a friend who really is in the fire.  Her whole life is falling apart, and her future is uncertain.  Well, one thing is certain: struggle.  I thought to myself that she would find my struggles trivial.  Because they are.
So here I am.  Moving on with life, finding joy as I can.  I have thought much about how my adoption blog fits with Eph. 4:29.  I don't want to complain and drag other people down.  But at the same time, I get so frustrated with adoption blogs (I read a ton of them, and am writing these entries with adoptive/future adoptive parents in mind) that only paint this picture: "La, la, la, we knew 100% from the day that we were born we wanted to adopt, and we made it smoothly through the process, and got our lovely perfect baby, and our lives are full and wonderful.  The End."  I know I'm dramatizing, but people tend to leave out the hard stuff, I'm sure with good intentions, and perhaps a twinge of fear of being judged..  I want to hear the truth.  Then I am encouraged.  This book is a great example of what I mean.
Trust me, I'll not shield you from the hard times in our journey.  I'll be judged either way, so who cares? My aim is to glorify God through my words and I know I won't be close to perfect or even good, but at least you'll know the truth:  the road is paved with challenges, just like any road walked in this life.
We didn't want this, any of this at first.  We wanted having babies to be easy.  Then we just wanted our own.  Now we just want one them. I know it sounds like progressive settling.  But it's not, you'll just have to trust me.
Oh my gosh I'm rambling.  I guess the veil of quiet has lifted! Anyone who knows me know I can't be quiet too long!
To conclude, here's where we are:
After realizing that we didn't want to do in vitro, we spent months deciding and praying about whether to do embryo adoption or traditional adoption.  One morning (in October of this year), Matt and I had a chance to pray together.  After the prayer, I asked him if he had a gut feeling about either option.  He smiled and said that he knew my gut feeling, and he felt the same way.  That crazy man!  He did!  A lot more went on before that decision was made, but it really boils down to that we just knew somehow.  I think I know how.  So that is the day we decided to go for traditional adoption.
I know there is a pretty big break in my "adoption timeline".  The time between our decision not to pursue in vitro and the present has been spent waiting and praying.  Waiting to see if the military would change our orders to Japan because of my medical condition.  Adopting while in Japan looks very different than adopting while in the States. They finally denied Japan, and we were given orders to Beaufort, SC.  I was able to rest in patience because I knew that when we got to SC, we could begin the process.  We were supposed to have moved last week.  Because of the issues with Matt's job, we will be lucky to be out of here by March.  And like everything else, that is uncertain.  We have no idea what the future holds for us.  Therefore, it is impossible for us to move forward with the process right now.  You can't really have a homestudy unless you're in the home you'll be adopting in. We are just trying to see this as an opportunity to save more money, better research agencies, and for more time to make our decision between international or domestic adoption.

 I am sick of waiting. I guess that's the heart of why I have been so upset.   I just want to start.  Though I trust and want nothing more than God's perfect will, the ache in my heart is present, and I long for it to be satisfied.  I know nothing other than God can truly satisfy, but He wouldn't have made me want this so much for no reason.

So for now, I wait! And I smile and I thank God!  :)