We are going to adopt. Part 2.

Where was I?  Oh yes, different pages.  The worst possible place for a marriage to be.  We have a wonderful marriage, and we agree on pretty much everything.  We love each other, like each other, enjoy each other.  That in itself can only be attributed to God.  We were such idiots when we got married, headed straight for failure.  But He saved us. He taught us to respect and love one another.  To love Him... That's another story though...
So facing the fact that we were in complete disagreement about our future was not fun.  I felt so lonely, so far away from him at first.  And I was angry.  We didn't really work it out; we couldn't.  We finally just quit talking about it and went on with life.  And we both kept praying.  Alone, and together, hands clasped kneeling before bed, despite the pride and selfishness that welled up inside of me. That was October 9, 2009. 

The First Heart-Change

This is a journal entry I wrote on Oct. 18, 2009.

Wow.  What a day.  Today something important happened.  I was listening to the sermon at church about Ephesians Ch. 3, and it was like God was definitely speaking to me.  I saw my life unfold in front of me as if it was a carpet.  Pastor was talking about Paul, and how he called himself a prisoner of Jesus Christ.  He rejoiced in his suffering as a Roman prisoner. And he completely trusted God.  God worked good through him.  When we fully trust in God, we allow Him to work mightily.  I have long prayed that God would teach me how to trust Him.  And now I see.  For the past 4 years, I have clung to the hope of having my own children, from my womb, and the joy that would come from being pregnant.  But that all revolved around me.  Yeah, I guess I could be satisfied with adopting, as a last resort.  Hopefully.  It was all selfish!  For my fulfillment!  Today I realized that if I will trust God, and allow Him to use me, He will do great things.  Think of all of the good that can be done if I can just trust!  I feel like I am standing at the edge of a cliff, and I have enough faith to jump, giving up all control.  I have been told and have read that God will protect me, and if I believe it, I will jump.  The fear is strong.  There is a lot to be afraid of. But I felt my world shift today.  No longer a selfish dread about what will happen if things don't go according to "my plan".  I felt that fade, and I felt a twinge of excitement as I thought about what joy will come from serving my Lord and being confident I am doing His will.  How can I ever teach a child to trust Him if I don't trust Him myself?
Paul had absolute, total trust in God's purpose.
Phil:1:12 says " For I want  you to know brethren, that the things which happen to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel."

That was the day that adoption became an option for me.  I wasn't ready to say that I wanted to do it.  Those motherly instincts were still there.  The idea of not ever getting to see 2 lines, or to feel a kick, or to hear that first cry, a cry of both our voices in one, still hurt.  It still does.  But I knew that God would take me where I couldn't take myself in my own strength.  He would give me the courage to face my fears about what people would say, whether or not I could really love the child, what if the child turned out to be crazy and hard  and ruined our lives.  I know that sounds extreme, but if you've stood or are standing in my shoes, you know.  Even if you're to afraid to voice it.  He would sustain me through the trials.  After becoming a Christian, I kept hearing people talk about "surrendering" to God.  I never understood what that meant.  Now I do.  God has denied us biological children for a reason. To give us faith. To fulfill His purposes.

I'd like to say that immediately after my revelation, we decided to adopt, and lived happily ever after.  My heart was changing, but it wasn't there yet.  Adoption was still second best in my heart of hearts.  But at least it was an option. 
Christmas came, and we got busy with life.  We continued to pray.  2010 rolled in and things got a little crazy. In April, I went to the doctor for this pesky recurrent chest pain, and ended up in the hospital for 2 weeks with a collapsed lung.  The next month it happened again, and I had my second surgery and it was confirmed by biopsy that I have a condition called catamenial pneumothorax. Basically, I have endometriosis in my diaphragm, which put holes in the diaphragm, causing the lung to collapse.  I could go into all of the details, but I prefer not to think about those couple of months.  It was a really trying time.  I didn't know it then, but another piece of our family future would fit together during these challenging months.